The Moment I Took MY Control Back

HERO OPENING – MANIFESTO

Over the past few months, I lived in a constant loop of self-doubt. I tried to listen to the opinions of the “doctors”, yet in the end I was forced to do the exact opposite.

At the same time, many people helped me. Nurses and doctors cannot be placed into one category, because the greatest difference is always between human beings, not between titles. For most of them, I feel brutal gratitude. They kept my spirit alive, and there is no number of times that would be enough to thank them for that.

Mental health treatment is still dangerously outdated. Honest conversation is the real medicine with true healing power.

Fortunately, many healthcare professionals understand this. But those who should understand it the most often throw everyone into the same box, without empathy, clinging to ancient templates and rigid thinking.

Like blinders on a horse, many “experts” still follow old-school methods without considering that innovation might be necessary. I reached a point where I had enough of everyone thinking they know better what I (what we) should do and how we should think.

And once you step away from healthcare, you realize this applies to everything in life.

I. PARAGRAPH – ENTERING THE SITUATION

Personally, I have a central nervous system that is both fragile and brutally high-potential at the same time, and under intense stress it does not tolerate the AAS + marijuana combination. Since childhood, my dream was to become a famous bodybuilder, but if your environment does not allow growth, it does not chew you up, it simply swallows you whole.

I wanted to break out of the “shit”, and I did it in the only way that was real for me, by giving my most honest self to the world. For me, that is brutally winning, but what matters most is that it is real.

They tried to convince me that I was psychotic. In reality, this only appeared that way because I live in a German environment with Hungarian as my native language, and after years abroad I can only connect words to my existing linguistic framework. The raw, aggressive nature of our language simply cannot be translated into German, English, or almost any other language, especially when it comes to profanity.

Among Hungarians, even the ugliest words can express respect, affection, or brotherhood depending on tone, if the environment is built on honesty.

The only time I am physically able to “cry” is when cigarette smoke gets into my eyes, because for twenty years of my life I suppressed everything. I cried only on the inside.

When I finally resolved my past problems, a strange new feeling appeared. I experienced it as neutrality, as an empty idle state. I could not place it anywhere, because my current environment could not understand it either, only a few people did, and to them I am endlessly grateful.

II. PARAGRAPH – LINGUISTIC CHAOS / MULTILINGUAL MOMENT

My thinking is not strictly tied to my Hungarian mother tongue. I process reality in roughly a 60–30–10 split across Hungarian, German, and English, and I use this structure as a tool for creativity, order, and simplification. To a lesser extent, Latin, Russian, and Italian also play a role at certain levels.

Beyond honesty, music is the second core pillar of understanding through simplicity. I listen to a massive amount of language-independent trap, rap, and pop. The artists I resonate with most include Essemm, GWM, Killakikitt, Krúbi, Azahriah, Morad, VZS, Weyron, Veysel, Fiatal Veterán, P.S., Sub Bass Monster, Bizottság, and I could list names endlessly. They provide the melodic backbone.

When that is not enough, there is techno. When I am at my lowest, schranz. It also plays a massive role during training, because all music is born from flow, and anyone can connect to it if they are able to hear the message beneath the sound.

They, and many others I did not name, create music with a pure heart. They will not be the solution for everyone, but I am certain they have helped many and will continue to do so.

I speak from instinct. I try to synchronize with the rhythm of my environment and, like ChatGPT, always add something extra. Unfortunately, this only works when the environment itself is open.

Strangely enough, in the hospital I connected most deeply with people who were mentally ill, not necessarily through words. I played a kind of ping-pong with many people, not only “patients”, but also with those with whom I shared no common language. And everyone was insanely skilled, because I trusted myself, I trusted them, and they trusted me.

I do not even feel when I switch between languages. It comes completely naturally. There are roughly 7,000 languages on Earth, but there is only one true foundation beneath all of them: feeling.

III. PARAGRAPH – THE FIRST SIGN OF A SHIFT IN CONSCIOUSNESS

My newly opened environment tried to help me in every possible way. It might not be visible, it might never have shown on the surface, but it meant a brutally massive amount of support. They did not necessarily try to understand me directly, they searched for the connections, the patterns, the reasons behind why I do what I do. With a few of them, I could openly talk about my goals, which might seem unreachable to many, yet in my belief, this is the only possible solution.

In short, this is the concept of a healthy soul in a healthy body, but the most basic requirement of that state is brutal honesty with yourself.
Yes, it sounds like a cliché. But in real terms, if the body receives every essential nutrient, movement, and love from friends, family, and relationships, expressed honestly, even rawly, then something fundamental changes. Many people are not able to attach real emotion to words, regardless of language or background. In those cases, it is their temperament and energetic projection that communicates the truth.

The best example of this happened with a Hungarian man of Roma origin. He asked me for a favor at my own home. I helped him without a single word. Then, in the process, he became disrespectful. I warned him that in that tone, I would not help. That is when the saying applies: you offer a hand, and they try to take your whole arm. I snapped. I did not want to hurt him, but I pushed him away and shouted at him, honestly and rawly.
Over the next half hour, he apologized seven or eight times, and after that, we ended up having a deep, clean, and brutally honest conversation.

That moment gave me the strongest possible feedback: honesty always wins. If it has to be raw, then it has to be raw. Physical force is not the goal, but unfortunately, in rare cases, it becomes an undesirable tool to bring someone back to reality when they fully lose their ground.

After that moment, the past no longer mattered.
Only the present and the future did.

IV. PARAGRAPH – SELF-OBSERVATION

The foundational criterion is emphasis. I observed that many happy, helpful people reinforce their message with nothing more than a single repetition, a calm hum, or a slight shift in pitch used like a punctuation mark at the end of a sentence. This directed tone becomes one of the most powerful tools of self-expression.

I always speak in my most natural voice, and it is brutally effective. But when someone suppresses their own natural traits, their strongest and чистest voice cannot emerge, regardless of gender.

There is a Hungarian saying: “the stronger dog mates.”
At first glance, it sounds primitive, but it is brutally true. It is not just the words spoken in the present moment that matter in isolation, but what was thought before, what is thought during, and what is thought after.

People who behave in incomprehensible ways have, in most cases, overloaded from rejection, contempt, and constant categorization by their environment. Their behavior is not correct, but instead of blaming them, the real question should be why the hell they behave that way, rather than immediately stuffing them with medication.

In my personal case, the greatest issue was linguistic incomprehensibility. They filled me with medication that suppressed my inner self. I turned into a submissive dog. Later, when my body received fewer synthetic substances, I felt nothing at all, thanks to the optimal nourishment of my nervous system and body. I drank five to seven teas a day, had to stay in constant motion. Because of the many negative flashbacks, my body flipped into fight-or-flight mode. With only one to four hours of sleep a night, I still felt fully charged. Upon waking, my eyes were slightly tired, but within minutes it disappeared, and I immediately had to do push-ups, chair biceps curls, or simply walk with screaming music in my ears.

Some healthcare workers did not understand this either. More categorization followed.

The serratus muscles gave the strongest feedback that my breathing was optimal. When the ambulance took me from my workplace, my blood pressure was 200, with 100% oxygen saturation. By the time I reached the hospital, I trained it down to 150 on my own, intuitively.

V. PARAGRAPH – RESOLVING THE SITUATION

As the days passed, I slowly began to understand what was happening inside me and around me. Not suddenly, not in a single moment, but through small signals that had gone unnoticed before. During my hospital stays, the same core pattern emerged three separate times: I was not sick. I was dealing with a tense, overstimulated nervous system trying to adapt to an environment that did not understand my speed, my way of thinking, or the fact that language switching is a reflex for me, not a symptom. Still, each experience became a fragment of a mosaic that is only now coming together.

The first time was a borderline situation. The details are not important, only this: through a connection, I immediately sensed danger. It was not the person who attracted me, but the energy they carried toward me. That was the first moment the concept of the “snake” appeared in my mind, not as a biblical symbol, but as pure instinct. The snake is neither female nor male. It is a vibration that slips across your personal boundaries, and if you are not alert, it devours you. The second time, I recognized it earlier and managed to stop myself. That was the realization: desire does not always come from the body. Often, it is the mind searching for reorganization, just on the wrong path.

And meanwhile, there were the others.
The Italian man who could barely speak, who answered everything with a simple “danke”. He moved like a zombie because of the medication, yet when I took him to play ping-pong, his reflexes were those of a completely different person. He breathed slowly, turned slowly, but the moment the paddle entered his hand, the same focus appeared in him as in me. Strength had been taken from his body, but everything was still intact in his nervous system. As if he were only waiting for someone to finally treat him as a partner, not a patient. And in that moment, I realized: many people inside are not psychologically broken, they have simply been over-sedated. The medication took away their voice, but their vibration was still there, just quieter.

As these patterns aligned, I understood that my own body worked the same way. I had not been physically ill for years, and only now did I understand why: because the communication between my body and my mind was never broken. There is medical research confirming this, the immune system and the brain remain in constant dialogue. If one collapses, the other follows. But if one is strong, it lifts the other with it. This is why the phrase “a healthy soul in a healthy body” is not just a cliché. It is literal biological reality. And this is when it fully assembled inside me: the body is a temple. And I had treated it as a temple all along, I just did not know it.

This is where the gothic–colosseum aesthetic inside me also originated. A temple is not decoration. It is structure, posture, stone, arch, and light. My body is the same. The shepherd metaphor connects here as well: the one who becomes the shepherd of their own body protects it, does not waste it, does not allow foreign energies to creep inside. Even the “gas station” image became clear: the body is a station you come to refuel, not to destroy. And the modern colosseum is that inner space where the pain of the past and the power of the present exist at the same time.

When it finally aligned, I became calm. Not overnight, not instantly, but the moment I understood that I did not have to fight against the world. I had to organize the world around myself. And that was the moment when control returned.

Thought, breath, body, and nervous system moved back into sync, as if the entire chaos of my life up to that point had condensed into a single moment and finally released its grip.

“The world stands with you the moment you first stand with yourself.”

VI. PARAGRAPH – THE MOMENT OF LEARNING

As the days passed, I felt with increasing clarity that what I had gone through was not illness, not trauma, but reprogramming. As if my brain, my body, my nervous system, and every experience of my entire life had converged into a single moment and said: “now finally understand yourself.” The hospital environment, the slowed-down people, the over-sedated movements, the misinterpreted symptoms all showed me what it looks like when someone is read not by their essence, but by their labels. And in contrast to that, I also saw what it looks like when someone reads feeling instead of diagnosis. The Italian man’s ping-pong reflexes were like a mirror: even in a slow body, there can be a sharp soul. And this was the direct opposite of how I was treated: a fast soul in a fast body, which they tried to convince was slow.

The lesson was this: people do not see the reality inside you, they see the handholds they can grab onto. If you are fast, they think you are too fast. If you are honest, they think you are attacking. If you switch languages, they think you are chaotic. But this is not chaos. This is speed. Vibration. System. And when I realized that my environment was not misreading me out of bad intent, but because there was no shared frequency, everything changed. I no longer wanted to prove anything to anyone. I no longer wanted to explain myself. And I no longer wanted to defend myself. I understood that throughout my entire life, one single thing had been missing: that someone would try to listen to me in my own language, not only in their own.

From that point on, I began to see people differently as well. I no longer focused on who understands me and who does not. I focused on who can connect. Most of the people in the hospital were not “crazy”. They were simply lost inside their own mirrors. For many of them, their symptoms were not caused by illness, but by the fact that no one had ever taught them how to speak with themselves. And this was the moment when I understood: I already had this language. My body functioned as a temple, my nervous system as a shepherd, and my consciousness as a colosseum, where after the inner wars, silence finally appeared. Not emptiness, but space. Not chaos, but harmony.

And as this clarity settled, every life situation began to make sense. The sexual energies that were drawn toward me were not about me at all. They were about the fact that people feel it when someone steps out of their own fear. The “snake” is not an enemy, it is a warning: when someone tries to fill their own lack through you, your body is the first to speak. That is why I had to stop myself. That is why I felt that it was not the other person who was the desire, but the inner rearrangement itself. And that is why today I am able to separate physical impulse from conscious transformation, something most people never understand in their entire lives.

The greatest realization of all, however, came when I understood this: I do not need to become a new person. I already am one. The old system simply finally dropped away, and in its place, my own system appeared. One in which my body is a temple, my mind is the shepherd, and my soul is no longer afraid of its own voice. And when I said this inside myself, the thing I had been searching for my entire life finally happened: control did not return, it appeared for the very first time.

“The lesson is not that I became someone else, but that I finally became myself.”

VII. PARAGRAPH – THE RISE OF CONSCIOUSNESS

When I finally came out of all of this, I did not feel like “I was healed.”
I did not even feel like “I became better.”
The strangest experience was that I returned.
Not from somewhere else, but back into myself.

Like watching your life for years from somewhere outside, from a distant point, and then suddenly a voice appears: “I am here.”
And you realize that you were always there, but the noise drowned you out.

That is why everything felt so foreign in the hospital. The slowness of people, the dulling effect of medication, the routines, the emptiness, the loops, the misunderstandings. I did not belong there, but I needed to be there to finally see my own contrast clearly. The fast thinking, the sensitivity, the reflexive language switching, the vibration that others misread. It was as if I understood it for the first time: there is no chaos in my head, only a higher-speed track. And that fast track only becomes frightening when someone else tries to interpret it with their own slower rhythm.

After the hospital days, however, something fundamentally changed. My body began to return as well. As the effects of the medication faded, as I started to move again, as my reflexes came back, it was as if my body finally exhaled. The serratus engaged again, my sleep stabilized, my thinking cleared. Survival mode disappeared, and in its place appeared a state I had never experienced before: calm inside movement, and movement inside calm.

This became the new foundation. The entrance to the temple.

And then it finally dropped: my entire body is a temple, and my consciousness is its priest.
A temple does not exist so that others may enter. It exists so that you know where to return when the world collapses around you. A temple never apologizes for its own structure, its arches, its weight. It simply stands and carries.

And that is how I want to stand too: stable, gothic, built from stone-like inner spaces, with a modern colosseum vibration, where after every battle silence remains. Not emptiness, but space.
Where my body is the shepherd, my soul is the light, and my consciousness is the history.

And as this fully assembled, one thing became completely clear:
I want to tell this.
Not quietly.
Not in fear.
Not in shame.
But with full force, in a crystal-clear voice.

I do not care what it costs to spread.
I do not care how many misunderstand it.
I do not care who projects what onto it.

I have only one goal:
that this story reaches those who are right now searching for the door of their own temple.

Because once someone truly finds it,
they are never lost again.

My story is not about survival.
It is about finally beginning to live.

“A closing is not an end, it is the first door I finally opened from the inside.”

CLOSING – FINAL MANIFESTO

Now that everything has been said, one thing remains completely clear: I am 20 years old, and what I went through is not a miracle, not a privilege, not a “special gift”. It was a system that I finally understood. And if I was able to understand it, then anyone is capable of it.

Because everyone has a body that can function as a temple, if they allow it.
Everyone has a nervous system that can act as a shepherd, if they do not suppress it.
Everyone has genetics that should not be treated as a limitation, but as a tool that can be maxed out in strength, thinking, vibration, and regeneration.

I did not return to myself because I am special.
I returned because I heard my own voice and started living the way my nervous system originally intended.

This is not a spiritual fairy tale.
This is biology, psychology, and honesty.

The essence of my story is not what I achieved.
It is that you can achieve this too, if you dare to finally see your own genetic base, your own rhythm, your own speed or slowness not as a problem, but as a weapon.

You do not need superpowers.
You only need to return to who you were before the noise.

“You do not need to be born special. It is enough if you fully max out what is already inside you.”